It happened again. Today. Someone on my FB timeline posted something really facepalm worthy today which got me reminded of a post that I wrote three and a half years ago in my old blog. Three years and nothing has changed. And, I am sure nothing will change three years down the line, too. Sigh.
Because I believe that ‘sharing is caring’ and also because I like to have my stats counter ticking (so much for modesty, ha!), here’s the blog post that I am talking about. Enjoy.
Last night, in the weirdest of my dreams, Mark Zuckerberg appeared. He posed me with quite a few life-changing questions. And this is how the conversation meandered –
Mark – Howdy lady. How have you been?
Me – Oh! I’ve been doing great, Mark. How about you?
Mark – Well… Not so good I should say. Particularly around this place called India.
Me – But why? I thought Facebook is doing great. What with Vodafone introducing low-range offers for free facebook browsing having some drool-worthy ads, you should be doing good, right?
Mark – Guess what. **throwing an accusing look at me** With people like you, I find no hope.
Me – **with a big question mark on my face** Excuse me. What was that?
Mark – Do you even remember when was the last time you updated your status on FB?
Me – **trying hard to think** N… Not really.
Mark – Do you remember the last time you put up photos of your family/yourself on FB?
Me – This I know. Sometime back in August.
Mark – And where are we now?
Me – Err… I think we are nearing November.
Mark – When was the last time you updated your profile picture?
Me – **Gasp** I haven’t changed my profile picture after I uploaded the first one.
Mark – **Now his voice is growing sterner and louder** Have you even played Farmville, Fishville, Reptileville, Dinosaurville or anything of that sort?
Me – Yes… But, it’s been some time though. Close to five years ago.
Mark – Right. And, with people like you, how do you think I can make ends meet? Now, you get the reason why I ALWAYS wear torn jeans and faded tees, don’t you?
Me – **Hanging head in shame and whispering** I am really sorry for what I’ve done to you, Mark. What do you think I should do now for helping you buy normal good clothes?
Mark – Okay… It’s a big list and do listen to me carefully. May be, you should take a pen and a piece of paper and take down some notes.
Me – **Searching frantically for a paper and finally turning towards the visiting card which the dentist gave three days ago**
Mark – And pen?
Me – **Again going on a searching spree to find four out of five pens not writing and finally land up on a green ink one which was ‘taken by mistake’ from the Gazetted Officer’s office last week**
Mark – So, we are all set, aren’t we?
Me – Yes **Sitting in a position to take down ‘notes’**
Mark – I’ll quote examples from your own friend’s list and just see how much you lag behind –
Look at S, your best-friend in the first school you studied. She updates her status every minute. Right from the position she was sleeping the previous night to the green-tea she drank in the morning which had traces of mosquitoes. **Yuck**
You have TWO wonderful children and you don’t upload their photos at all. **Throws a disgusted look at me** Look at A, your ex-senior at work. How he keeps updated his son’s photos every second. Tomorrow, when the little one grows up, he would know everything, including the fact that his parents chose to change the colour of the potty used from deep-sea-blue to light-sky-blue when he was 3 years-4months-2 days old. How would your children know about such valuable information if you don’t update photos, tell me?
I don’t see you ‘copy-pasting’ any of those life-altering-statuses that your friends post. Look at A, your class-mate from school… She shows how much she loves her mother, father, brother, husband, first daughter, last son and second err.. dog by copying someone else’s message. She shows her support for autistic children and cancer patients by copying someone else’s message.**Shaking head vigourously** Don’t you realise how meaningful and thoughtful she has been?
Also, you should be enjoying the privileges of FREE software such as ‘location indicators’ to let people know about where you are and what you are doing. You have your dad’s sister’s friend’s niece on your friend list, right? She uses the software so well that one day I get a complaint from her saying the location finder was a minute late in updating the message. While she had come out of the ‘Sulabi’ of Washermanpet, her boy-friend has apparently gone to pick her up based on her status update on FB only not to find her there. And there arose a big fight between them. **All this with a ‘soga’ look on the face which thothifies to me too**
Anyway, do you have some tussle with your husband?
Me – **Visibly shocked at this sudden question** N… No… Not at all. But what makes you ask that question?
Mark – Even with the arbid-once-in-a-while-messages and photos, you don’t seem to ‘like’ each others’. Have you seen your friend from college, R? Whatever she cooks/shops/reads/attends/
pees, she updates as a photo or a status and don’t tell me that you haven’t noticed the ‘single-like’ for the update by her husband? That shows a loving husband and wife. I really doubt if you guys have a loving relationship!
Me – Oh My Gawd! Now all my friends would be thinking of us like this only no? **In a worried tone**
Mark – See.. And are your children on Facebook?
Me – No.. But they aren’t thirteen, yet. I thought FB had an age-limit, right?
Mark – Oh!! I really can’t but sympathise with your ignorance, lady. Don’t you see that your college friend, P, has a FB account for her one-day-old son?
Me – Yeah.. But I thought she was managing it.
Mark – And you get to manage TWO of the accounts. Like you said, having twins means double the kisses, double the joy, double the happiness and double the ‘likes’ no!
Me – How ignorant of me, no?! **Places hands on the cheeks**
Mark – Oh!! And look at Ambujam maami and Kittu mama. Even though they aren’t so tech-savvy, they still click on links like ‘Do you wish to know how many children you will have in the future?, knowing that these are spam (not) with the only intention of helping us grow.
And then, those ‘ville’ and ‘war’ games I mentioned, remember.. These mamas and mamis are the ones who top the list of playing them.
Do you know that they add other valuable members to our list in the likes of ‘Vandu-Murugan’ and ‘Catch-Me-If-You-Can’ They do such favours not even knowing who the Vandu-Murugans and Catch-me-if-you-cans are!
What do I say! That is why they are added to the FB-premium-members-list. And look at you… You know how to use MS office, most shortcuts in Excel, have been using the internet and googling for the last 10 years and still are a ‘basic-member’?
Me – Err… I am sorry. But I also blog!
Mark – **In a flabbergasted tone** You blog? And you don’t use FB to promote it?
Me – Actually none of my friends/acquaintances know about the blog.
Mark – What? Every time you publish a post just say in your status – ‘Blog-il indha vaaram… Naan weight kuraikka padum paadu’ and see how many
‘osathi-kanna-osathis’ ‘likes’ you get and how the traffic to your blog manifolds. What a woman you are? You don’t even seem to help Blogger and WordPress earn revenues, I can see. If this is going to continue, I think all the CEOs would only end up with torn clothes eating cheap Mexican food.
Me – Sorry Mark. I didn’t know my ignorance would have such an impact. I will surely have these notes handy and go about making a difference in each of your lives. Thanks Mark for opening my eyes. **Wipes tears out of the opened eyes**
Mark – That’s okay, lady. The pleasure is mine. And the first thing you should do now is go get a Vodafone connection and update your status message with ‘Had a dream with Mark last night’, okay. And don’t forget to tag my name to it.
Uttering these words in a loud tone, Mark vanished in thin air humming ‘He is always on Facebook’.
And my dream vanishes in thin air, too!
On that my-lame-attempt-at-humour note, all ye blog-friends, have a wonderful week ahead! 🙂